SHARKS

If a shark is hungry, it will try to eat you. That's be like me getting the mucnchies on the bus and attempting to sample the meaty forearm of the old lady in the seat beside me. Would I do that? NO! But that is why I can be trusted and a shark cannot. Sharks can't even be trusted to stay in salt water.
I know you can't trust everything you see on TV, that's why I have set aside what Peter Benchley told me in the Jaws book turned movies, But trust this.
I was watching the discovery channel, or something like it, and there was a special about shark attacks. The story was that of a group of boys swimming in a river in Mississippi. One of those classic tales with the rope affixed to an overhanging tree branch that allowed the kids to swing out over the water and then drop safely into the depths. Well, weren't they just having a great summer afternoon until a shark came by. A Great White Shark. The shark hunted in typical Lion style, picked the weakest of the bunch and made his lunch out of a little crippled boy. Ate the fucking kid. Now, last time I checked there were no salt water rivers in Mississippi. So what was a great white shark doing there? Well, it made its way in from the ocean, took a nice scenic tour of the areas it's not scientifically supposed to be able to survive in, and stopped for a bite before making its way back home.
Fresh water sharks, ah yes, and I can hear my friends chuckling right now. But they're out there man, just ask that kid who had no idea an afternoon swim would end his life.
Do I look like an idiot?

Alright, nevermind. But, idiot or not, I will not go out of this world in the mouth of a giant fish. Usually I research animal safety techniques before I know that I am going to be in an area where an encounter with the wild is a possibility. Shark safety revolves around one thing...stay out of the fucking water. It's pretty simple. And don't lecture me on the statistics and likelyhood of an attack, I know all of that. Yes, my plane could fall from the sky, my car could crash, my bicycle could veer off the path and my skis could angle me toward a tree (sorry Sonny), so what? I should go climb a mountain with no gear or jump from a plane with a parachute that was packed during WWII? Why do i want to add to it?
I hate fish, I mean sure, a salmon steak is none too shabby, but, fish are ugly. Creepy, long scaly things that wiggle their bodies to make their way through the water. There's nothing endearing or romantic about being eaten by something ugly. I mean, if I have to die it better be something pretty that's tearing the flesh off of my legs, or my legs off of my torso. Tee Hee, I just pictured Pamela Anderson trotting off with one of my severed arms in her mouth. But I did say pretty, so I may have to ammend the mental picture and replace old Pam with something less, plastic. (mmm boobies)
When I was 15 my parents took my older brother and I to Myrtle Beach for a vacation (they got a deal on a condo, still, worst vacation site ever). Anyway, one day at the beach my brother and father latched onto me and swam me out about 100 meters into the ocean. I laughed and played along, but I was making in my bathing suit the whole time. We doggy paddles in a semi circle as I exchanged insults with my family members and then my brothers eyes widened and he said that 'something' had touched his leg. I knew instantly that he wasn't kidding, my brother isn't an actor, he couldn't have pulled off that look of concern. Concern for himself of course, his own personal desire to survive. My dad must have caught the truth in Paul's face too because both of them starting swimming to shore. I was frozen, the only two things moving on me were my legs to keep me afloat and my bowels. I watched as my older brother and dear old dad swam to safety. I turned my head from side to side half expecting to see a fin break the surface of the water. So when I looked behind me and saw exactly that you can imagine my surprise. I remember, still doggy paddling, and looking back to the beach which was filling up with people who had made a quick and desperate attempt to get out of the water. I saw my brother and my dad standing on the sand.
Fuckers.
The thing I remember the most was the feeling that ran through my legs and sort of climaxed in my feet, like an orgasm gone wrong. It was a tingle, like I was sending out waves to detect how close to me the shark was.
I actually thought that I was going to die.
I worried that my family would blame themselves. I didn't want that, because I wanted to haunt those two asswipes who left me there and drizzle ghost piss on their faces every night while they were sleeping.
Anyway, so after a few seconds (hours in my head) Dolphins jump out of the water, two or three of them all swimming together. Then the people on the beach got back in the water and tried swimming out to them to get a closer look. A look, that I got, as they were about 4 feet from me when they first broke the surface. When I realized that i wasn't going to die, I tried to swim in a forward motion. It got me back to the beach, where I told my family that they sucked balls. I will not EVER put myself back into a situation where that could happen to me again. FUCK THAT. Dolphins or not, a magestic glimpse into the natural world or not, it was not worth it. I'm sticking to pools from now on. One less worry when it comes to ways for me to perish.